"You are Mr. Forever Orange?" said the officer, after reading the passport.
"Monsieur is from Miami?"
"And you are going to…”
"Very good, sir. You know that Nice is all the way in south of France? Would you be requiring a translator?"
"I know it, Madame, I do not require a translator but would appreciate a guide.”
"Very well, sir."
The officer proceeded to sign and date the passport, after which she added her official seal. Officer Barbie personally gave me a guided tour to Nice, then we took a carriage along Route De 69 Nationale, stopped to dine at the beach of Le Minou.
At precisely 5:11 pm, I arrived at the entrance to the Rhinestone Ranch in Rockwall, Texas. I went to the ticket counter and was greeted by cowgirl Barbie, apparently an expert rodeo rider.
“May I help you Mister?”
“Ma’am I would like a private tour of the ranch.”
“Let me see your identification.”
“Okay...Mister Orange, which part of the ranch would you like to visit?”
“I would like to see the entire ranch, and try out the bull ride, forward and backward.”
“How’bout the K9 Petting Zoo, u’ant to?”
“Is it fun?”
“HELL YEAH I guarantee it be more fun than a tornado in a trailer park, just don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining. Y’all come this way."
“I am by myself, what do you mean Y’all, is someone else joining us?”
“Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive. Follow me and don’t you worry now."
Cowgirl Barbie grabbed my belt buckle and pulled me through the wood gate. Precisely a short while later I emerged from the ranch with better looking hair then Benny.
At 5:28pm I arrived at the seaport of Thessaloniki, Greece. I waited in line at the immigration counter until my turn. I was greeted by πρόξενος Barbie.
“Sir...are you here for business or pleasure?”
“Pleasure, of course.”
“Welcome to Greece, is this your first time visiting?”
“Yes my very first time ever.”
“I see, so you will be requiring a tour guide?”
“A guide would be most appreciated, yes.”
“One moment please…”
She walked away from the window then returned with another officer a few moments later.
“Mr. Orange, allow me to introduce officer Ajax, he is a very experienced tour guide, he will take good care of you.”
“Oh no, there must be some misunderstanding, I need a very good tour guide who will be walking in front of me, not behind me…”
“Ajax can walk in front or behind, he is very versatile.”
“no no no no no I need a very patient, well received female tour guide, someone like you!”
πρόξενος Barbie finally smiled and accepted the challenge, gave me my first ever guided tour of the Mediterranean, the forbidden fruit, eaten, juiced up and ripen.
At 5:56pm I arrived at the door steps of the Russian Embassy on East 91st Street, New York, I walked inside and approached a window where I found Consul Barbie behind the counter. I handed my passport to Consul Barbie.
“How may I help you today?”
“I wish to have my passport visaed for a trip to Mount Elbrus, Russia.”
“Russia? You now want to visit RUSSIA?” She stamped NO ADMITTANCE and handed the passport back to me.
“No Admittance? Why?”
“Borders are closed.”
“Closed? What is the problem?”
“Problem? Problem is that there is NO Russia!!! And NO Mount Elbrus!!!”
“If there is no Russia, why is there a Russian Embassy?”
Consul Barbie sighed: “Are you sure you want to visit Russia?”
Consul Barbie opened her desk drawer, retrieved a few items from it…
She grabbed my passport and commanded: “Follow me…”
I hesitated but followed her down this very dimly lit hallway…
“Come this way…”
No one knew what happened, but FO has never been heard from since. The rumor mill has churned with numerous tabloid reports. Fineprint was worried...
tmf..what time does Forever Orange get home from work?
Should we file a missing (member) report?
Could you check in Lost & Found?
Did Russian consul Barbie held him hostage in a steel caged fruit basket?
Beach Barbie's Ad
Beach Barbie's Website
My last review of Beach Barbie
Edited by foreverOrange, 13 March 2010 - 04:30 AM.